My Official Justin Bieber Rant

Posted: Wednesday, April 21, 2010 by Greg in Labels: , ,

Mario Kart 64 has always been a cornerstone of my existence. I don't know what specific date it was released to the public, but that day is pretty much on par with A) my college graduation and B) the first time I got laid, as far as momentous occasions in my life go. Dead serious. Look at me, this is my serious face.

Not many things have managed to stay prevalent in my life over as many years as Mario Kart has. In the beginning, it was just a game. I had zero comprehension of developed skill, and just played with whichever friends got dropped off by their various soccer moms that day. As I developed some solid fundamentals, races got more serious, and I permanently aligned myself with the obvious best character in the game: Toad. By the time I was a senior in high school, the Mushroom Cup might as well have been for an Olympic medal. There will be blood? You bet your ass there was.

One would think the reign ends there. FALSE. College introduced me to the only real drinking game worth playing: Kart 64 Drinking and Driving. The rules are simple: you have to finish a full beer before you cross the finish line. Only stipulation is you can't drink and drive at the same time. So to drink, you need to drop your controller. When you do that is up to you.

Take a moment to let that sink in. Now, get very mad at how many years of your life you haven't been playing this game. I know my count was 20 years. And I learned the game when I was only 19.

Recently however, my usual world-class performance has taken a bit of a slide. I blame it on boredom, really. I can execute almost any race in that game with lethal precision. Same slides, same turns, same 1st place results. So I experiment a bit, take a couple risks, and some don't pay off. Under normal circumstances, this would be no big deal. I know I'm good, and I have the record to prove that I (much like Toad) am the best. But that kind of complacency can only lead to my eventual demise. So me and my friends added a rule, just to add that extra motivation not to fail: Whenever ANY of us finished a race lower than fifth, we had to do the next race while listening to a Justin Bieber song.

There is no better motivation to succeed. PERIOD. Just try this for anything in your life you are looking to improve. "Every day I don't go for a run, that night I have to listen to the Justin Bieber CD all the way through while I'm on facebook." You will be Usain Bolt by the time Bieber hits puberty.

Am I the only person who thinks the kid bears a striking resemblance to Mr. Ed? I mean I had no problem with girls losing their shit over Justin Timberlake when *NSYNC first came out. No homo, the dude is good looking and can straight up sing. It makes sense. But this kid looks like a cross between Lucas from EarthBound and a Wallace & Gromit character.

Beyond that even, what is this kid even talking about? When I was his age, I was in love with one thing, and one thing only: Gushers. Couldn't get enough of that shit. It was years before I could even comprehend the obvious subliminal message in their "like an explosion in your mouth" slogan. (Bet your ass I do now.) But listening to a 14-year-old sing about love is kind of like listening to Emmanuel Lewis talk about a slam dunk. Or like listening to Jesse James talk about fidelity.

Justin Bieber is undoubtedly the biggest force in pop culture since the George Lopez show. (note: not force as in power, force as in 'even astroglide wouldn't get this to work right') Just watch the video for "One Time," which is actually the only song in history to be named after the amount of times it should be listened to in a lifetime.

I'm SO SURE Usher lets two white kids chill up in his house when he's not home. That's his mistress's job. And listening to The Bieber Kid talk "hood" is more awkward than the time Oprah said "bling." He talks like he knows he sounds ridiculous, but had no other choice. And I would love to meet the wardrobe stylists who worked on this shoot. "We need to make him more ghetto... I know, a generic hoodie and a hat! He might as well be on parole!" And I really can't say anything about his sweet "A-Town Down" ATL hand sign. Too much of me dies every time I see him do it.

I only have one conclusion about the entire situation: Usher just won a bet. In typical She's All That fashion, dude bet a friend he could turn ANY kid off YouTube into a star with the right catchy songs, and this kid got served up like Roger Federer did it. Prove me wrong.


  1. Now that you mention it, it makes perfect sense! Otherwise, why-oh-why would Usher have him as a protegé???? graduation? :P No, I'm not mocking you, I actually think that was a wise move.
    Anyway, I don't know how many times I listened to "One time" but I swear it must have been a thousand because I feel sick if I hear it by mistake now!

  1. Best post ever? I recently invested in Mario Kart for my Wii, and it might have been one of the greatest investments I ever made. Maple Treeway is my shit. But I guess nothing will ever trump n64. I was a pretty big fan of the gamecube version too though.

    Also, I made the mistake of following Justin Bieber on Twitter one time (no pun intended), to see what the fuss was about. Had to delete him within 24 hours due to the amount of ridiculous 14-year-old bullshit he tweeted.

  1. Oh gosh. You can't even begin to understand my extreme dislike for the kid.

    You see, beyond all the points you brought up, there is one MAJOR thing that irks me.

    There is a small, quaint little town in Southwestern Ontario called Stratford. For many, many years, its claim to fame has been the Stratford Festival theatres; four distinct theatres with some of the most incredible plays you will ever see (specializing mostly in Shakespeare of course). Those theatres are literally internationally known. We would be fighting through crowds of students from the states just to get to our seats when in attendance.

    BUt now, the name Stratford, Ontario is associated with one person. Justin Bieber. A kid who, dare I say it, doesn't really have much talent. And it really breaks my heart that something so wonderful could be overlooked by something so hideous.

  1. *Trisha* says:

    Gushers! Yessss. Those were bomb. I envied the kids who got them in their sack lunches.

  1. Anonymous says:

    I personally think Justin Bieber is okay, but some things you stated in this post annoy me, too. He should be more unique fashion-wise instead of dressing up like every other rapper in America [unless that is his style]. He should also try to sing about something other than love, the most stereo-typical genre for pop-music. There are other things he should change too, but I really think he needs to get a move on with these two. He seems like a really sweet guy, but he should should be himself! Oh, and gushers rock, by the way.